gm
You Might Also Like
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.