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If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
I can’t be the only one 😂
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.