GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
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[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.