Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
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The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
I falcon love using swear birds
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉