Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
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“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
🤣😂🤣
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.