“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
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Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
So glad we cleared that up
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
also my go-to takeaway order
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying