Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

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[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”


Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.


I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.


A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.


People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?


[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.


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Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs