@trevso_electric

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

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@GABBYdaAngSaya

[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”

@stevevsninjas

Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.

@MomofTeen

I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.

@longwall26

A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.

@therepoguy

People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?

@mrtruthandsoul

[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.

@EricaWhoToYou

Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?

@seedlingsocial

Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs