[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
You Might Also Like
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊