Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
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I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.