“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
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6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks