Go girl power!
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Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
God has left this place
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
husband: *worrying*
me: I don’t think you should worry about that
husband: well what should I worry about instead then
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.