Go girl power!
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I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
remember
only for emergencies
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.