“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
You Might Also Like
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
A great tip. #CakeRex
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
crochet youtube is brutal
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives