Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.

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Person: you only live once

Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day


[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”


My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.


Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.


My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake


[commercial for pants]

*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*

There has to be a better way!


*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.


Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.


I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.