Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
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The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.