Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
You Might Also Like
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Me redecorating every room in my mind
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Effort made
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien