goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
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Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police