*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
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Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
I wish this was real life…
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same