Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
You Might Also Like
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.