Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
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does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”