Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
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The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
The Friday File.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.