God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
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Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
For anyone who needs this today
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.