god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
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The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home