Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911

BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…

I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.

That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.

Not just when he sees me naked.

There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat

Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.

Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh

Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?

Me: sure!

Husband: any ideas?

Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?

Husband:

Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?

Husband:

Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?

my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…

Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.

Get it together, toddlers.

Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.

Fly wife: Notice anything?

Fly husband: …

Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut

A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.

They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.

My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”

My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.

I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.

Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox

I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.

Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?

Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.

“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.

“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it

My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.

Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”

“What should we call ourselves?”

How about 22 pilots?

“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”

21 pilots?

“Omg”

i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes

1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated

Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.

The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.

Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.

Jedi you are not sir