God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
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wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.