god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
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all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me