God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
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Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*