God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what

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Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!

Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered


[before sex]

ME: Did you notice I waxed?

WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows


Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”


Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…


Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.


Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*

Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*

House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*

Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting


Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion


*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*