@sbellelauren

god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy

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@impaulmccoy

So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.

@trevso_electric

“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”

“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”

@ShesAllNat

What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

@ilovepie84

“This is all water! Now that was misleading”

-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.

@the1652s

“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.

@suecorvette

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

@piranhapanorama

Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.

@Leemanish

HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.