god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
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HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Well, that didn’t work.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?