God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
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would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Not today, today.
Not today.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals