GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
You Might Also Like
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Bro what is this
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.