god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
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You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Based Erika