God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
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“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.