God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
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*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery