[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
You Might Also Like
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.