[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
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waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
RT if you could go either way.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment