[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
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wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
When news reporters do sports stories
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
bad news gang
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.