(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
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Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol