(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
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The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Not all heroes wear capes…
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Sign of the day..
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs