God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
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[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”