[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
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I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
British websites use biscuits.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Seductively sings in Klingon.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.