[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
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Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.