*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
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Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*