GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
You Might Also Like
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Everyone’s family
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
yes… yes…
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.