[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
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I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
it be like that
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
This anagram machine is out of order.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click