[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
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I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.