[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
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Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie