[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
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HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.