[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
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Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
thinking about a very short hotdog
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…