[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
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Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.