[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
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No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.