[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
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James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it鈥檚 me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 馃幎
Him: Mom what鈥檚 a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we鈥檙e lovers?
Stranger:馃槼
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Hogwarts doesn鈥檛 teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.