god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
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I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Thursday
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*