[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
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[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
still the best tweet of the year by far
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
@funTweeters
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* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”