[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
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Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
I think we should hear other voices.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
so, is there a mister shapen head
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.